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Movie Reviews
A-D || E-I
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Year |
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| 13 Ghosts | 2001 | Lifeless, soulless crapfest. | 1 |
| 15 Minutes | 2001 | Same old preachy Hollywood bullshit. | 2 |
| 21 | 2008 | Now they have to make Vegas suck for us too? | 2 |
| The 25th Hour | 2003 | Spike Lee uses his talents for good, not evil | 4 |
| 28 Weeks Later | 2007 | Ultimately, just another zombie flick. | 3 |
| 200 Cigarettes | 1999 | Dreadful ensemble comedy. | 2 |
| 3:10 to Yuma | 2007 | Better than the other 2007 westerns. | 4 |
| 54 | 1998 | Godawful, boring story of Studio 54 | 1 |
| Adaptation | 2002 | One great high-wire act, until the guy falls | 4 |
| Aeon Flux | 2005 | Fux fux sux fux sux sux sux | 1 |
| Affliction | 1998 | Really sad, Nick Nolte is good and restrained | 4 |
| A.I. | 2001 | A messy, contrived attempt at thoughtfulness | 2 |
| All or Nothing | 2002 | It's not the sadness that makes sad people interesting | 2 |
| Almost Famous | 2000 | Meandering and self-indulgent classic-rock story | 2 |
| Alone in the Dark | 2005 | A new low in "storytelling"? | 1 |
| American Beauty | 1999 | Fine story of suburban angst | 4 |
| American Movie | 1999 | Very funny story of inept moviemaker | 3 |
| American Pie | 1999 | Funny, sloppy teen comedy with tits. | 3 |
| American Psycho | 2000 | Pointless satire(?) of 80's greed | 2 |
| The Amityville Horror | 2005 | No good ideas? How about a remake? | 2 |
| Anchorman | 2004 | Ha ha, people dressed funny in the 70s. | 2 |
| Anger Management | 2003 | More mature fart jokes from Sandler | 1 |
| The Animal | 2001 | One joke(?), eighty minutes | 1 |
| The Aristocrats | 2005 | Filthy fucking comedy. Dirty, dirty, dirty. | 3 |
| Art of War | 2000 | Pretentious, pointless, confusing thriller | 1 |
| Attack of the Clones | 2002 | A middling Star Wars story, and that's an improvement | 3 |
| Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me | 1999 | Amusing but overly childish | 3 |
| The Avengers | 1998 | A muddled disaster. Tiresome action | 2 |
| Babe: Pig in the City | 1998 | Absolutely wonderful. I should've given it five fingers | 4 |
| Bad News Bears | 2005 | What baseball means to assholes | 2 |
| The Bad News Bears | 1976 | What baseball means to kids | 4 |
| The Ballad of Jack and Rose | 2005 | Who let them make a movie out of an undergraduate liberal arts college short story? | 1 |
| The Bank Job | 2008 | Decent heist flick ruined by being a movie | 3 |
| Barnyard | 2006 | Hate your kids? Show them this. | 1 |
| Batman Begins | 2005 | Just another comic book movie, except not for kids and not for adults. | 2 |
| The Beach | 2000 | Bad story veers into ludicrousness | 2 |
| Because I Said So | 2007 | Made me shit my pants | 1 |
| Be Cool | 2005 | So uncool it hurts my nuts | 2 |
| Be Kind Rewind | 2008 | It has its moments | 3 |
| Before Sunset | 2004 | Sweet, but, I don't know, bittersweet. | 4 |
| Behind Enemy Lines | 2001 | Make believe hogwash to encourage patriotism | 2 |
| Being John Malkovich | 1999 | Wildly overrated one-joke (a good one) movie | 3 |
| Best in Show | 2000 | The funniest movie of 2000 | 4 |
| The Big Bounce | 2004 | Lazy postcard from Hawaii | 2 |
| Big Fish | 2004 | Phoney Baloney | 2 |
| Big Momma's House | 2000 | Jesus, this one sucks | 2 |
| The Black Dahlia | 2006 | Melodrama vs Noir and Melo wins by a knockout! | 1 |
| Black Knight | 2001 | But this one sucks worse | 1 |
| Blackhawk Down | 2002 | War Porn | 2 |
| Blade | 1999 | Better than expected, accidentally starring Stephen Dorff. | 3 |
| Blade II | 2002 | A dreadfully dull rerun | 1 |
| Blair Witch Project | 1999 | Effectively creepy, really cheap | 4 |
| Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows | 2000 | A huge turd, totally worthless. | 1 |
| Blood Diamond | 2006 | More smug, simplistic speechifying by Hollywood | 1 |
| Bloodrayne | 2006 | Uwe Boll craps his pants. | 1 |
| Bounce | 2000 | Stupid Affleck/ Paltrow drama. Their fans get what they deserve. | 2 |
| The Bourne Identity | 2002 | A well-made genre actioner | 3 |
| The Bourne Supremacy | 2004 | Better than the first, better than most | 4 |
| The Bourne Ultimatum | 2007 | Man, it zips like a good fly | 4 |
| Bowfinger | 1999 | A funny story of moviemaking | 3 |
| The Break-up | 2006 | Kill unfunny yuppies | 1 |
| Brick | 2006 | Film school artsy bullshit | 1 |
| Brokeback Mountain | 2006 | Gay cowboys roping calves. | 3 |
| Broken Flowers | 2005 | A not-quite-cooked bittersweet story | 3 |
| Butterfly Effect | 2004 | Perfect for 4-year old amateur psychologists | 1 |
| Capote | 2006 | Cold-blooded author writes about killers | 4 |
| Cars | 2006 | Kids homage to Route 66? | 3 |
| Casino Royale | 2007 | The rebirth of the same Bond. | 3 |
| Cast Away | 2000 | Half ad, half movie, half decent | 3 |
| Catch Me If You Can | 2002 | A decent chaser with Spielberg sap | 3 |
| Celebrity | 1998 | Woody Allen's treading water | 2 |
| Center Stage | 2000 | Lame teen ballet movie | 1 |
| Changing Lanes | 2002 | Ben Affleck takes a dump | 2 |
| Charlie's Angels | 2000 | Mindless, but not quite mindless enough | 3 |
| Charlotte's Web | 2006 | Faithful and solid, like a good pig | 4 |
| Children of Men | 2007 | Dystopic and dyspeptic and lovely | 4 |
| Christmas with the Kranks | 2004 | Rips out Santa's heart and shits on it. | 1 |
| The Chronicles of Narnia | 2005 | Rips out children's hearts and glowers at them. | 2 |
| Cinderella Man | 2005 | formulaic boxingmovie that works. | 3 |
| City of God | 2003 | What happens when everything goes right with an experiment | 5 |
| A Civil Action | 1998 | Another John Travolta as serious actor pile | 2 |
| Clay Pigeons | 1998 | Decent country noir | 3 |
| Clerks 2 | 2006 | Blibbidy blabbidy blah poop blah | 1 |
| Closer | 2004 | A fucking fraud | 1 |
| Club Dread | 2004 | A turd so lazy it missed the bowl | 2 |
| Confessions of a Dangerous Mind | 2003 | Uninvolving fantastical bullshit | 2 |
| The Constant Gardener | 2005 | Top-grade thriller. Smart shit. | 4 |
| The Corpse Bride | 2005 | Bad claymation with lots of singing. | 2 |
| The Count of Monte Cristo | 2002 | A lifeless mash of a great story | 2 |
| Coyote Ugly | 2000 | Laughably awful movie that should have nudity but doesn't | 1 |
| Crash | 2005 | Hollywood would stop making crap if we loved each other | 2 |
| Criminal | 2004 | Complete and total nonsense. | 2 |
| Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon | 2000 | Holy fuck is this movie great | 5 |
| Cruel Intentions | 1999 | Dull and retarded telling of Dangerous Liaisons | 2 |
| Curse of the Jade Scorpion | 2001 | A plodding Woody Allen caper | 3 |
| Dan, in Real Life | 2007 | Crappity, crap, crap with a feminine laxative. | 2 |
| The Darjeeling Limited | 2007 | Look, ma, I'm JD Salinger! | 2 |
| Dave Chapelle's Block Party | 2006 | A long night | 3 |
| Dawn of the Dead | 2004 | Zombies run amok for your pleasure | 4 |
| The Day After Tomorrow | 2004 | Bad fucking Porn, about weather | 1 |
| Deep Blue Sea | 1999 | Dumb, dumb, dumb shark movie | 1 |
| The Departed | 2006 | Sylvester Stallone can blow it out his ass! | 3 |
| The Descent | 2006 | Chicks stuck in a spooky cave, in a good way | 3 |
| Deuce Bigalow: Retarded Fucking Gigolo | 1999 | Sets a new low for bad acting and directing | 1 |
| The Devil and Daniel Johnston | 2006 | Hard to love the crazy guy. | 3 |
| Die Another Day | 2002 | This is what suave is? | 2 |
| Divine Secrets of the Blah Blah Blah Blah | 2002 | More phony meoldrama about cackling women | 1 |
| Dogma | 1999 | Pretentious, misguided, poorly directed | 2 |
| Down to Earth |
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Chris rock's failed attempt to become a romantic lead. |
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| Down to You | 2000 | Goes below the lows set by Deuce Bigalow. Really lame, labored romantic comedy | 1 |
| Dreamcatcher | 2003 | What the Fuck? | 1 |
| The Dreamers | 2004 | This is some seriously stinky horseshit. | 1 |
| Driven |
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Men loving men, and racing |
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| Drumline |
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Drumming should be inthe Olympics |
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| Duets | 2000 | Exactly what Karaoke fans deserve | 2 |
| Dumb and Dumberer | 2003 | Painful and Painfuler | 1 |
| EDtv | 1999 | Moderately amusing, pretty sappy | 3 |
| Election | 1999 | Funny and nasty comedy about high school elections | 4 |
| Eight Legged Freaks | 2002 | Big spiders mean medium-sized fun | 3 |
| 8 Mile | 2002 | Hip Hop crapera | 2 |
| Enemy at the Gates | 2001 | Could have been a good war story if it wasn't so fucking boring. | 2 |
| Envy | 2004 | A mammoth, foul turd. | 1 |
| Erin Brockovich | 2000 | Surprisingly good drama starring my future wife | 4 |
| Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind | 2004 | Something to think about, and not while you're jerking off. | 4 |
| The Ex | 2007 | Like crapping in your eyeballs | 1 |
| The Exorcist | 2000 | Rerelease of classic that will make you shit your pants | 4 |
| Eye of the Beholder | 1999 | Laughably bad, inconsistent and ridiculous | 1 |
| Eyes Wide Shut | 1999 | Well-directed dumb story | 3 |
| Factory Girl | 2007 | WProbably brought down prices on Warhol's paintings | 1 |
| The Faculty | 1998 | Weak horror. the scariest thing is when that fat fuck Harry Knowles shows up | 2 |
| Fahrenheit 9/11 | 2004 | Soothes the liberal's soul, but not much else. | 2 |
| The Fast and the Furious | 2001 | Good racing, dumb everything else. | 2 |
| The Fast and the Furious 3 | 2006 | Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. | 1 |
| Fellowship of the Ring (Lord of the Rings) | 2001 | A fan boy's wet dream. | 3 |
| Finding Neverland | 2005 | Keep looking. It ain't here. | 2 |
| Final Destination 2 | 2003 | Gory shit, like a bloody stool | 1 |
| Forces of Nature | 1999 | A big fuck you from Hollywood | 1 |
| Friday Night Lights | 2004 | A movie about the evil of high school sports, with lots of sports | 3 |
| Forgetting Sarah Marshall | 2008 | Love hurts, obsession hurts more | 3 |
| The Forty Year Old Virgin | 2005 | Man loses virginit, after a while | 4 |
| From Hell | 2001 | Horror misguided as London travelogue | 2 |
| From The Incredible Hulk to Kelly | 2003 | The singingest, dancingest monster movie ever! | 2 |
| Full Frontal | 2002 | Hollywood celerities should get shrinks because we sure as hell can't help them | 1 |
| Galaxy Quest | 1999 | Funny Star Trek movie. Better to see at home where you don't have Trekkies sitting near you. | 3 |
| Get Smart | 2008 | Get bent. | 1 |
| Ghost World | 2001 | A funny, sad and nearly perfect tale of alienation and disenfranchisement. | 4 |
| Gigli | 2003 | Mind-bendingly, and nut-shootingly awful. | 1 |
| Gladiator | 2000 | Maybe the most expensive gay gladiator movie ever | 3 |
| Glitter | 2001 | The movie all Mariah Carey Fans truly deserve | 5 |
| Go | 1999 | A fantastic, furious story | 4 |
| Godzilla 2000 | 2000 | The best Godzilla movie ever | 5 |
| Gone in Sixty Seconds | 2000 | a fucking waste of time, only one good chase scene | 2 |
| Goodbye, Lover | 1999 | Totally inept attempt at noir. Patricia Arquette stinks up the screen. | 1 |
| The Good Girl | 2002 | A boring movie about boring people. | 2 |
| Hamlet 2 | 2008 | A boring movie about boring people. | 2 |
| Hancock | 2008 | Too fat, sloppy and pathetic to be funny | 2 |
| Hannibal |
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A woefully disappointing sequel, dumbed down but trying to look smart. |
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| Happiness | 1999 | Too much shock for shock's value | 3 |
| Happy, Texas | 1999 | One joke that goes on too long | 3 |
| Hardball | 2001 | Baseball for shut-in viewers of the Lifetime Channel | 1 |
| Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle | 2001 | Stoners amusing only stoners. | 1 |
| Harold and Kumar 2 | 2001 | Dude, I was sooo wasted. | |
| Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone | 2001 | A slavish adaptation of a book with potential | 3 |
| Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban | 2004 | Don't let the kids see it | 4 |
| Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix | 2007 | Great book. Enough said. | 3 |
| Hart's War | 2002 | A solid stalag drama until the last 20 minutes. | 2 |
| Head Over Heels |
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Another shitty performance in another shitty movie for Freddie Prinze, Jr. |
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| The Heartbreak Kid |
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Break your legs instead. You'll laugh more. |
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| Heartbreakers |
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Jesus Christ, just gouge out my eyes already. A dreadful "black comedy" with Love Hewitt posing as a grifter. |
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| Hellboy |
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Masturbatory Fanboy horseshit that excludes regular people |
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| Hi-Lo Country | 1999 | Bad country from a Limey. Warning: stars Woody Harrelson | 2 |
| High Fidelity | 2000 | Good comedy about record store owner | 3 |
| A History of Violence | 2005 | Yep, it's violent all right. | 3 |
| The Hitcher | 2007 | Bad photocopy of a pile of shit | 1 |
| The Hoax | 2007 | Con men con suckers | 4 |
| Hot Fuzz | 2007 | An awesome cop action flick | 3 |
| The Hours | 2003 | Sour women making sour faces. | 2 |
| The House on Haunted Hill | 1999 | Terrible plot and dialogue, good scares | 3 |
| The House of D | 2005 | Fucking dreadful retard dramedy | 1 |
| How the Grinch Stole Christmas | 2000 | Fucking hateful pice of shit | 1 |
| How to Eat Friend Worms | 2006 | It's right there in the title. | 4 |
| Hustle and Flow | 2005 | Pretty Memphis travelogue | 3 |
| I Am Legend | 2007 | Worst zombie movie ever. | 1 |
| I Heart Huckabees | 2004 | Bad fucking, pretentious, incomprehensible movie | 1 |
| Ice Age | 2002 | Great effects, stupid story | 2 |
| Ice Age 2 | 2006 | Okay effects, hack story | 2 |
| Ice Princess | 2005 | The fantasy of every home-schooled teen girl come true | 2 |
| Igby Goes Down | 2002 | Passable Salinger ripoff | 3 |
| The In-laws | 2001 | As funny as hysterical children (which is who probably made it) | 1 |
| The Incredibles | 2004 | It's fucking art, man. Fun art, not the bad kind. | 5 |
| In Good Company | 2005 | Go ahead, call me a softie. | 4 |
| Inside Deep Throat | 2005 | Glitzy, empty documentary about porn | 2 |
| Insomnia | 2002 | A fantastic sleepy-time noir | 4 |
| Instinct | 1999 | Dumb monkeys posing as provocative drama | 1 |
| Ironman | 2008 | Intelligent, for a turd. | 2 |
| In the Land of Women | 2007 | Turdity-turd turd | 1 |
| Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull | 2008 | Older, slower, weirder | 3 |
| I Spy | 2002 | I spy a turd! | 1 |
| The Italian Job | 2003 | Soulless, bland and action-packed! | 2 |
| Jackass 2 | 2006 | Stupid stunts that say so much. | 3 |
| Jeepers Creepers | 2001 |